We Can’t Force Transformation — We Can Only Support It

We Can’t Force Transformation — We Can Only Support It

Last week, I was shown a simple somatic exercise that has stayed with me.

Make a fist.
Ask someone to forcefully open it.

They struggle.
You resist.
Your fist tightens.

This is what it feels like to push against a conditioned pattern. The more pressure applied, the more the system hardens.

Now try it differently.

Ask the person to gently cup your fist from underneath — not to pry it open, but simply to support it.

Instantly, the quality shifts.
The fist softens.
Often, it opens almost on its own.

For me, this is one of the truest metaphors for human transformation:

We do not change through force.
We change through support, contact, and connection.

In systems change, in organisations, in coaching, in leadership, even in parenting — the same principle holds:

• Meet what is present before trying to transform it.
• Acknowledge the pattern before you attempt to redirect it.
• Offer support before you ask for movement.

This is the aikido principle:
you move with the energy, not against it.
You enter it, join it, and then gently guide it.

It mirrors the same truth Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson share in The Whole-Brain Child:
connect first, then redirect.
If you try to redirect without connection, you trigger more resistance — more tightening — more fist.

Support Creates Movement — Not Pressure

I’ve witnessed this in several moments recently.

Last week, I didn’t feel like writing. My system felt tight. A colleague quietly stepped in and offered to create content for the Kholo page. The pressure dissolved.
The moment I felt supported, the creative impulse returned.

My fist opened.

Another time, a director suggested an idea the team disagreed with. It was a sensitive period. Cashflow was tight. A blunt “no” would have created rupture at a fragile moment. So a colleague and I stayed with him.
We explored the idea together, step by step, until he reached the conclusion that it wouldn’t work.

We didn’t oppose him.
We joined him.
And from that connection, clarity emerged.

It is the same with my children. Telling them “do not eat sugar” creates pushback.
Meeting them with curiosity and helping them understand the impact leads to far more sustainable choices.

I cannot force obedience.
I can walk with them.

What If Workplaces Followed the Same Principle?

What if we supported the nervous system before demanding performance?
What if teams learnt to notice when someone is contracting, and offered presence or partnership instead of more pressure?

Because here’s the truth:

Most “resistance to change” is not resistance.
It is a system that has not been supported yet.

At Kholo, this sits at the core of how we work.
Real change moves at the speed of:

• safety
• contact
• support

Everything else is force.

Where have you seen support open something that pressure never could?

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